Draw a number.
"Oi, lady! This is your lucky night!"
"This brochure is a collection of useful tips for young Elves reaching their majority on the subject of courting and matters of the heart.
As you all know, there are birds, and then there are bees. When both species meet, everything can happen, especially when under influence of alcohol. This is the reason why birds and bees should keep away from Miruvor.
Now, I am sure you know all about the bees, so let's talk about the birdies:
Winning a maiden's heart is a most difficult task, and you should not underestimate the amount of time, nerves, silver and sleepless nights you will have to invest if you want to leave the battlefield of love as the winner.
Love is a war, and wars are won by careful planning and cunning strategy.
In following, I will describe a broad variety of methods which have proven to be more or less successful in charming maidens. If nothing else, these are at least good examples on how NOT to do it."
Master Erestor (safe, sane and single and on his merry ways)
Admire her from a distance.
Make moo-moo-eyes at her during luncheon while simultaneously blushing.
Leave anonymous love poems on her doorstep.
Get on her father's nerves by lurking under her window all night.
Avoid talking to her for the next couple of centuries and flee in panic every time she makes a move in your direction.
Hope that she will finally get tired of your antics, tackle you down in the garden and tie you to a bench.
"You want us to do WHAT?!?"
|Chapter 1: THE ELROND-APPROACH|
Cases are known where it worked. But don't count on it.
Dig a hole in the ground.
Cover it up with branches and leaves.
Sit behind a tree and lurk.
Wait some more.
Wait a little bit longer.
Keep whatever female is unfortunate enough to fall into this trap.
"You are in my kingdom, and what is in my kingdom is mine."
it worked once. It will never work again. Not used anymore.
|Chapter 2: THE THRANDUIL-WAY|
|Chapter 3: CELEBORNING|
Go on a drinking spree with your fellow warriors.
Get stuck in a tavern in Doriath.
Drink a bottle of wine.
Watch the exotic dancers.
Drink another bottle of wine.
Smoke some of a travelling Ishtari's special weed.
Drink another bottle of wine.
Wake up in the morning with the hangover from Mordor and realize that you a) have a warg tattooed on your left bum cheek and b) are married.
"Whaddaya mean by 'I heard exactly what you thought'?!?"
Ab-so-lu-te-ly took proof.
|Chapter 4: THE HALDIR-TACTIC|
Your longing looks should follow her everywhere.
Make sure you vanish in thin air as soon as she tries to approach you.
Your hand should be constantly on your forehead, and don't forget to sigh painfully every time somebody mentions her name.
Read love stories with tragic outcome and listen to sad songs.
Take strolls in the pale moonlight.
Suffer. As much as possible.
Visibly. Vocally. With tear-brimmed eyes.
Talk about her. Only about her. All the time.
You can only hope for her pity and that none of your annoyed brothers will drown you in a pond before you reach your goal.
"Oh … ::sigh:: it is … ::dramatic pause:: … nothing … ::sigh::"
|Chapter 5: THE OROPHIN-MANEUVRE|
This is a very simple and straight-forward method:
Hunt Orcs and deposit the corpses in front of her talan as a present.
Invite a possible rival for a hunt and show him how skilful you are in gutting a rabbit.
Break down her front door in the middle of the night claiming you've heard "suspicious noises" coming from her talan.
"You. My talan. NOW."
Good. Very good!
|Chapter 6: THE RUMIL-STRATEGY|
|Chapter 7: THE GLORFINKLE-FINT|
Hire a tug who pretends he wants to rob her earrings under a dark mallorn tree.
Storm heroic forward, shouting: "Ai Elbereth! Thou evil fiend! Thou shallst feel my anger and sword!"
Beat the poor guy up.
Make a big show out of it.
Pretend to be hurt.
Let her take you home and nurse you back to health.
Show your excitement about your miracle-recovery under her tender, caring hands.
"The pain ... is excruciating ... but for you ... I can bear it ..."
Oldest trick in the book - also known as "Gil-Galading" - but it still works!
(Or Hobbit. Human. Whatever.)
ADVICE AND GUIDANCE
"The Young Elf's Handbook" - A guide to courting and wooing.
Animated music videos ("Lord of the Dance", "The Singing Legolas") and more
ELF ON A SHELF UNIVERSE
Staff / Erestor's biography and photo album / Last Homely Gallery / Ballad of Fin, the Balrog Slayer and more
BEAUTY, HEALTH-CARE, HOBBY AND RECREATION
Photomanipulations, Elf-Ads etc.
Elrond, Haldir, Legolas, Elves, Orlando Bloom Gallery, Midsomer Murders, Graham Norton, TLR. Pirates of the Caribbean, Hugo Weaving
Archive for all Lord of the Rings-related articles I wrote.
THINGS YOU SENT US
Official Magic Rat fanlisting