MASTER ELROND'S LETTERBOX
Letters he wrote - letters he received
Collected by Master Erestor, with friendly support of Lord Glorfindel and two bottles of Miruvor
Elladan writes to Elrond
Erestor found another letter – once again Elrond's children were visiting their grandparents. This takes place about 20 years after the infamous "Helmet Incident" - so we can assume Elrohir got rid of his "chapeau" in the meantime …
Note: "grandfather" and "grandmother" are, for those who haven't read the books, Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel (the parent's of Elrond's wife Celebrián, the mother of Elrohir, Elladan and Arwen). "Estel" is Aragorn's Elven name.
Dear Ada
I hope this message will find you at good health and in cheerful mood.
Can I go hunting Orcs next summer rather than stay here with grandfather and grandmother again? We have spent our last 1567 summer holidays here – that is plenty enough, don't you agree? Grandmother has become quite peculiar, she insists we call her "Galadriel" rather than "grandmother", she has instructed Arwen to tell everybody they were sisters and before she goes to sleep, she covers her face with a sticky white substance – she says it's good for her skin. She looks ridiculous, grandfather agrees, but he told us not to mention anything, because one should humour "Elf women of a certain age".
His Royal Highness, Thranduil the Exceptional and Impressive, Most Splendid etc. etc. is staying here as well, together with his youngest son Legolas. I mention this just in case you should have received a declaration of war from King Snore and Bore in the meantime. It really was all Legolas' fault, and if they try to put the blame on Estel now, they are lying!
What happened was the following: last week, Gandalf the Grey Pilgrim has been here for two days. When we finished our evening meal, he was smoking his pipe, and grandmother started to complain about the stench.
Grandfather said he quite liked the smell, then she ordered Gandalf to put out the pipe, grandfather said he should not, then she said grandfather couldn't tell the scent of an Orc from the one of a flower, and he said the breath of an Orc who had just feasted on an unwashed dwarf couldn't be worse than her "Eau de Tinuviel", and then he drank some wine.
Anyway, Gandalf thought it would be time for Estel to learn a little more of the ways of men, and gave him a pipe and a small bag with dried herbs. Of course Estel was delighted, and promised to try it out the next day. Grandfather said this was great, he should please come and smoke in his personal rooms rather than outside, maybe this would help to get rid of grandmother's "Eau de Tinuviel". Grandmother said he better make sure to find a comfortable couch somewhere for the night, and grandfather said that she had no idea how tempting this offer was, he'd prefer to sleep outside, anyway, what with the air being fresh and everything, and then he drank some more wine.
Anyway, Legolas wanted to try out the pipe as well, but his father told him this was not the way of the Elves; smoking would be harmful to his health and that the tips of his ears would fall off if he tried it, and then grandmother looked at grandfather and said: "ha!" and grandfather opened another bottle of wine.
Anyway, Legolas started to pester Estel to let him try the pipe as well, but Estel said "no" and then Legolas started to whine and sulk. Grandfather called Haldir and asked him to take Legolas outside and give him some archery lessons to keep him out of the Talan, and Haldir asked why it was always him who had to look after Elflings, and grandfather said it was because nobody else was available and if he'd prefer to count Orcs in Mirkwood for the next decade? And then he drank some more wine.
King Thranduil didn't like the remark about the archery lessons, and he said it would make much more sense if Legolas would teach Haldir how to use bow and arrow, as Legolas had been trained by the best - himself, of course - and it was no surprise to see what state Lórien was in, one just had to look at the guards, who were a laugh compared to his royal guard, and if all Galadhrim were as out of shape as Haldir or if obesity ran in the family?
Haldir glared daggers and Grandfather slammed the wine bottle on the table and said "Oh yeah?" and then he said the only Orc Thranduil had ever killed must have been suicidal and willingly stepping in front of his bow, because Thranduil had the aim of a drunken dwarf, and then Thranduil screamed "Insult! Insult!" and jumped up, but before he could get to grandfather he tripped over a basket and fell flat on the nose and grandfather said he would apologize, obviously Thranduil had perfect aim, what with managing to trip over the only basket in the room …
Anyway, in the night we suddenly heard Arwen scream. I grabbed my sword and Elrohir his bow; though we couldn't think of any danger here in Lórien, we wanted to make sure nothing ill had befallen her.
When we entered her room, she sat on the window sill and was throwing her hairbrush at Legolas, who sat in the tree outside and giggled. Elrohir asked what had happened, and Arwen said that she had just began to undress herself when she noticed Legolas sitting in the tree outside, watching her. Elrohir went to the window and shouted at Legolas what he thought he was doing, peeping at our sister? Legolas had this really weird smile on his face, and he was singing silly stuff like
"Your perfect nose I'd love to kiss
Oh fairest maid of Imladris"
And ai Elbereth – he so does NOT have a voice for singing!
Arwen screamed she'd rather kiss a warg than him and that he was a pervy Elf-fancier, and Elrohir asked him to immediately climb down the tree, but Legolas refused and giggled some more.
By now, King Thranduil, grandmother, grandfather, Haldir and a couple of guards had assembled outside. Thranduil was shouting at Legolas, who couldn't care less and was starting to pull funny faces at his father.
Estel said to Haldir that somebody should climb up the tree to get Legolas down, and Thranduil said "finally a wise word from a man", and then ordered Haldir to climb up and bring his precious son back, but Haldir said no, he couldn't do it, as he wasn't in the right shape, and then grandfather snickered, and Haldir snickered, too, and grandfather passed him the bottle.
Thranduil didn't snicker, though, but was now shouting at Arwen, who, as he said, was not worth of being kissed by a member of HIS family, anyway, a family whose women would not hang around with MEN, unlike some Elf-maidens he could name here.
Estel got beet red and Arwen too, and grandfather asked what this was all about, and Thranduil said he'd seen Arwen kissing Estel behind the bushes, and that it was a disgrace, and grandmother screamed "what?" and grandfather said "cool!" and then Legolas stood up and balanced on a branch, shouting "I am the King of the world", and then he announced he was officially the first Elf who was able to fly.
Fly he did, like a stone, when the branch broke, and Legolas landed right in the brambleberry bushes under the tree, and even now, two days later, the healer is still finding thorns in his backside.
He sat there for a moment, then he jumped up and ran towards the kitchen, shouting "I'm hungry! I'm starving!" all the time, and when we finally got to him, he was already on his 6th lembas, and Thranduil had to drag him away. Then Legolas said he was thirsty, and before anybody could stop him, he was bent over grandmother's mirror and stuck his head in the water.
Grandmother had a hysteric fit, run over to her mirror to drag Legolas away, and arrived just in time for Legolas to get sick all over her dress. She got as white as her gown, and grandfather wrinkled his nose, then turned to Haldir and asked him if he knew Eau de Tinuviel, as this here was a similar scent. Haldir snickered, grandfather snickered, they passed the bottle again, and ever since then, things were going downhill …
The next day Legolas told his father that he'd taken the pipe, against his sire's orders, and soon after lighting the weed he'd began to feel very light-headed and funny, and now he felt really, really bad, and if one could now please leave him alone as he really, really wanted to die.
Thranduil accused Estel of having tried to poison his son, and Gandalf said no, Legolas had taken HIS pipe, not Estels, and that it had been stuffed not with normal tobacco, but with a special weed which he sometimes smoked to relax and meditate, and we should not worry, in a day or so Legolas would be back on his legs, and if he couldn't sit down for another four days it would only serve him right, maybe this would teach him a lesson.
But this aside, the holidays here are very boring, so I'm really looking forward to return to Imladris.
Please hug Nana from me,
Your loving son
Elladan
Author's note: do not try this at home, children and Elflings. Unless you live in the Netherlands or Switzerland.