SWORDS AND PACIFIERS
This chapter has now been beta-read by the wonderful Eveiya. Thank you!
Rating: PG to PG-13, depending on the chapter (don't rise your hopes, though. I'm hopelessly vanilla.)
Category: slash, humour, AU (very!), some angsty bits as well
Pairings: Erestor/Glorfindel
Other pairings mentioned: Haldir/Rabbit, Aragorn/Arwen, Elrond/somebody (female), Elladan/somebody else (male)
Warnings: mpreg and revolting food cravings
Thanks go to: The Magic Rat, Nic, MajorClanger, Anand (official bad influence), Kharessa, Lyric, and all the gentle souls who have sent feedback for the previous stories.
CHAPTER 3
When the first beams of Anor started to play catch-me on my face, I woke up, and noticed immediately the wonderful scent of freshly baked bread wafting through the air.
Fin sat at the table on the balcony, gesturing at the splendid breakfast outlaid in front of him, and smiled at me. Glorfinkle, Garfindel and Glorfunkle lurked on the railing and eyed the delicacies and Glorfindel with the same interest.
"Time to get up, my dear. Breakfast is ready, and I insist you eat up everything I brought along."
Fin had brought me breakfast? By free will? I sat up.
"Fin are you running a fever?"
He grinned.
"Not at all, dear Erestor. The only thing that can get me hot and flushed is you, as you are well aware. I just thought that "
Fin broke off, and looked at me a little insecure.
"You thought the Valar have heard my prayers. So what is it you thought, dear Fin?"
"Well, I thought, we should celebrate this surprise, and so I arranged for a luxurious breakfast. Just you and me. We will catch up on the results of our trip to the border later, for right now, I just want to enjoy your company."
I was touched. Who would have thought my Balrog slayer was a romantic at heart!
I got up, threw on a morning robe, and went over to the table. Fin had outdone himself fresh bread, fruit (strawberries!), cheese, dried meats, vegetables, honey, butter you name it, he brought it.
"You are wonderful", I said, and bent down to kiss him.
Fin, never one to pass an opportunity, put his arms around my waist and drew me to sit on his lap, which was ridiculous, after all I was not a blushing Elf maiden, but it was nice to be held this way, so I slung my arms around his neck and decided not to put up a fight for once, but to simply enjoy the intimacy.
"Fin - are you really comfortable with this?" I asked.
"Very comfortable. Though it would be more fun if we were naked."
"FIN!"
He got serious again.
"I am confused, that much is true, but I am also very happy. Yesterday ..."
He broke off, and there was a shadow clouding his eyes. What is it, my love, that pains you so, I thought, but I didn't ask. Fin would eventually tell me, when the time was right. And it was him to decide that moment. For now, I only ran my fingers through his hair, and kissed him.
He nuzzled my neck.
I took one of the strawberries, and made a big show of eating the delicious fruit. First I wet my lips, then nibbled on the tip and carefully licked off the sweet, red juice before I finally sucked it slowly in my mouth. Fin swallowed hard, and I chuckled - it was always nice to have an audience who paid attention and appreciated my performance.
Fin cleared his throat.
"Ah, you haven't seen the best bit yet."
He reached for a mug, which he firmly pressed in my hand.
I sniffed.
Ew.
"Ai Elbereth what foul draught is that, Fin! It smells worse than Mauburz' Eau de Mordor!"
He grinned.
"Mauburz has brewed it, especially for you. She said it was 'Old Orcish family recipe. Tea which helps when you go blech in morning'."
"But I do not feel sick in the morning", I protested.
Fin gave me a stern look.
"Don't be ridiculous, Erestor. You are pregnant, and all pregnant fema- I mean, all pregnant Elves are suffering from morning sickness."
"Well, I don't!" I said firmly.
"This might be, but you will drink it anyway."
"I will not."
"Will."
"Not."
"Orc."
"Imp."
"Love you."
"Too."
The mug crashed on the floor, spilling its foul content all over the balcony, but we didn't care, for we were too busy kissing.
Finally, Fin lifted me up, and attempted to carry me back to the bed.
"Don't sprain your back, dear," I commented dryly when he seemed to have trouble carrying my not inconsiderable weight.
"Don't worry, my love if you should become too heavy, I'll simply drop you."
"And what is with breakfast?" I asked.
"Your crows will be happy to take care of it - and who said we would not indulge in a feast?" Fin replied, giving me a decidedly dirty look.
He quickly removed my robe, then nibbled his way from my ear to my belly button, which got kissed reverently. Directing my stomach, he said:
"Mae govannen, penneth, this is your future ada speaking. Nice to meet you and now please have the courtesy to look the other way, for your mother and I will perform some acts which are not suitable to witness for Elflings of your age."
"Fin I am not the mother. Mothers are female."
Fin shook his head.
"Nonsense. You carry the child, so you are the mother."
"I am not."
"Sure are."
"Not!"
"Don't be so stubborn!"
"Pot calling kettle black!"
Fin abused my momentary lack of attention and rolled on top of me.
"So, my dear advisor, now that I have your full attention: would you prefer the nursery to be pink or lavender?"
I stared at Fin in horror.
"Pink? Lavender? Glorfindel do you want our Elfling to be traumatized at such an early age already?"
"Pink is a very nice colour, and most fitting for a young Elven lady."
"It might as well be a male Elfling."
"Absolutely not you are pear shaped, which always indicates a pregnancy with a female, and "
"PEAR SHAPED? Did you say PEAR SHAPED?"
I whacked him with a pillow.
"I am not pear shaped! I have never been pear shaped! And I shall never be pear shaped! Who told you this nonsense?"
"My grand nana used to say so, and she must know, for she had 7 children."
"Humbug. You shall wait and see what you will get."
"And what may that be that I will get?" he asked, and ran his tongue from the hollow of my neck to my left nipple, his hands stroking down my bare sides.
"Will it be worth the wait?"
A short flick of his tongue over my right nipple.
"You will get what I give you," I gasped, and Fin grinned.
"Do I get anything now?" he asked, nipping.
"Oh yes " I growled, " all of it!"
* * *
Two eventful and most satisfying hours later, Fin and I sat in the council. Elrond held a short speech to begin with, explaining our amazed fellow council members as little as they needed to know about the circumstances which had lead to my circumstances, and while they all looked like a dwarf had hit them over the head with a battle axe, none really dared to gainsay.
Master Braefin, who was suspected to have an illumination of me in his cellar to keep the rats away, opened his mouth to comment, but being confronted with MenU (menace united), consisting of Fin, Mauburz, the twins and Elrond's Eyebrows Of Doom, not to talk the known presence of Rabbit somewhere in a bush, he decided that holding the peace would be the wisest thing to do.
The reports from the border were unsettling. A great number of Orcs had collected in the North; who their warlord was we didn't know yet, but that nothing good could come out for us from this was clear.
Elrond sighed.
"And there I was, thinking our troubles had ended with the damnable ring gone."
Glorfindel hit the armrest with his fist.
"We need to find out who these Orcs are, where they are coming from, and who their leader is. We need to learn what their purpose is sure they haven't come to Rivendell pick flowers."
Elrond turned to me.
"Erestor you have always been my most capable advisor. What do you say?"
I gave the matter some thought.
"Before we decide anything, we need to find out what evil plan is festering in their minds", I said, "so maybe we should try to capture one and interrogate him."
Feronil, another advisor, shook his head.
"That's a nice idea, Master Erestor, but it won't work. We have tried this before, alas, these creatures are as talkative as clams, and none of our interrogation techniques had proven any success."
"Pray tell, Master Feronil," I said, a little insulted, "but usually, my interrogation techniques are most effective!"
Beside me, Elrohir whispered to Elladan: "Nobody escapes the Noldorian inquisition " and they both chuckled.
Impertinent Elflings.
Feronil rolled his eyes.
"Master Erestor, I don't question your abilities, and I am sure Mortals or Dwarves break down and tell you all you want to know after being exposed for two hours to Lindir's singing and not getting any sugar with their tea for luncheon, but I am most afraid that this won't work with Orcs. Indeed," he said, and threw a dirty look in Lindir's direction, "Orcs might even enjoy his performance."
Lindir, whose ears had turned a brighter shade of red, jumped up, threw his cloak over his shoulder in a most dramatic way, and huffed: "You, my dear lord, are a philistine!"
With this, he made an exit council left, the dramatic effect somewhat dimmed when he stumbled over one of Bramble's toys and fell down the stairs.
It was, indeed, not a day in favour of the arts.
Master Feronil rubbed his hands gleefully. I wish he would just tell Lindir that he loves him and get it over and done with.
We decided to discuss this matter further in two days, and with this, the council ended. I was just about to head for my rooms when Elrond touched my shoulder.
"Erestor please come to the Healing House, I didn't have a chance yet to properly examine you."
"Would it help if I'd say that it is not necessary and that I feel fine?"
"No."
Escorted by Fin and Elladan, I followed Elrond to the House of Healing.
* * *
After what seemed like hours, Elrond had finished his job.
"From what I can tell, all is fine, but needless to say, I don't know anything about the course of male pregnancies. I would say you can expect to deliver in about four month's time, but no guarantees on this. This is a miracle. Erestor, one could envy you!"
I gave an evil laughter.
"Sure, sure, Elrond, you would be the first to jump at the chance of suffering from downright bizarre food cravings and swollen ankles, now wouldn't you."
He preferred not to answer this, but Fin peeped in: "I wouldn't have any problems, if this had happened to me."
The thought of a pregnant Balrog slayer caused a bout of hysteric laughter, which earned me a stern and slightly insulted look from Fin. When I finally recovered, I asked:
"And why would that be, dear Fin?"
He bestowed on me an arrogant look.
"Because I, unlike you, dear Erestor, am secure in my masculinity."
Deciding not to follow that train of thought in any direction, I rolled my eyes and turned to Elrond.
"You are a healer - can you at least tell me how well how this all works? I mean " I broke off, blushing again, damned be it, and Elrond shrugged, a little helpless.
"I am most sorry, dear friend, but I have no idea. It just happened, but how, I can't tell. To learn more about this, we would have to cut you up and see how you are built, but that is out of question, I suppose."
I paled visibly, seeing Elladan's face lighting up at this prospect.
"Elladan", Elrond said, without turning around, "put the saw away."
Which Elladan did, but it was clear to see he was quite disappointed.
* * *
Later, I headed for the training ground, sword girded, and I was in the best of moods. Fin loved me, I was healthy and, I have to repeat it, not pear shaped, the sun was shining, and I felt wonderful. I was even starting to develop mild fatherly feelings for the Balrog slayer embryo in my womb.
"Where are you going?" asked Fin, who obviously had decided to follow me like a shadow. From the rustling in the bushes, I suspected Rabbit wasn't that far, either.
"Sparring with Elrohir," I answered, and continued my walk.
"Are you mad, you son of an Orc?" Fin cried. "You can't go and fight in your condition."
I stopped, and crossed my arms.
"Fin I am with child, not sick. Until 24 hours ago, you didn't know about my 'condition', and four days ago, even I didn't know. I feel great. I feel wonderful. In fact I never felt better. If you intend to wrap me up in cotton wool for the next few months, you better start looking for another place to sleep."
Fin growled something he seems to do a lot lately.
"What do I have to do to make you see sense tie you up?"
I had an Orc under my bonnet, so I said: "Ties no. But how about a bond?"
Uh. I had done it. I had said it. The "B" word. The Evil Word Beginning With A B.
Fin took a step back.
"What do you mean by this ?"
"Bond. As in: bonding. Marriage. Forever and ten days. No return. Final. Last stable before the havens. You and me for all eternity. In front of witnesses. Vows. Guests. Cake. Useless presents. B.O.N.D."
He scratched his head.
"You know I love you, darling, but we really shouldn't rush things, and "
"Ai, don't worry, dear Glorfindel, if you don't want to bond with me, I am sure somebody else will this very nice advisor of Estel, for example, what was his name - Fenrir. A most charming young man, and so very mild on the eyes I am sure he would be receptive to the idea, if only "
6 feet 5 inches of very unamused and muscular Balrog-slayer towered in front of me, his nose almost touching mine, and there was a fire in his eyes I had never seen before.
"My dear, darling Erestor should dear, darling Fenrir do even as much as think of you without my prior permission, I shall lay out his dear, darling innards to dry in the sun, and then feed them to your feathered beasts afterwards."
Oops.
"Fin?"
"Yes?"
"You have not any intention to pee on my front door to mark your territory, have you."
Fin gave me a very smug grin.
"Not yet, my dear."
* * *
Sparring with Elrohir was no fun. The poor young one had always one fearful eye on Glorfindel, so eventually, I gave up.
Fin was most pleased.
We all sat in the grass and enjoyed the afternoon sun, when, all of a sudden, Elrohir jumped up, grabbed for his sword and hissed: "There is somebody in the bushes!"
Fin shrugged.
"Rabbit, I suppose. Catching Erestor's dinner. Or frolicking with Haldir."
I shook my head.
"No. If it was Rabbit, you wouldn't hear him."
Listening carefully, we all noticed heavy breathing and the rustling of leaves.
"Hear? Hear? And this is not the first time! I got the eerie feeling somebody was following me for two weeks already."
Elrohir slowly stalked towards the bush.
With a yell, he jumped in head first, then we heard a scream, a couple of birds fled from the commotion, an exclamation of pain could be heard and finally, Elrond's youngest and supposedly brightest son rolled out of the bush.
"Something bit me!"
"Show me." Fin said, and Elrohir, who had been clutching his hand to his chest, showed us the wound. It was a perfect teeth mark - but not from an animal.
"Some nice rabbit you've caught yourself there, Elrohir", Fin joked.
"Did you see who it was?"
"No, this rotten individual was too quick. But I will find out!"
With that, he marched off.
"Are we going to have a situation here?" I asked, a little worried.
Fin shrugged.
"With Elrohir on the war path, one can never know. Maybe it's just one of my former wives who is tired of waiting for her maintenance."
A most comforting theory.
* * *
Another sleepless night ahead first I couldn't fall asleep because it was too cold, then I couldn't find slumber for the blanket was too hot, and Fin's blissful snoring wasn't that much of a help, either. Who had ever heard of snoring Elves, anyway and of course I had to get myself the only exemplar in existence.
What a catch!
As sleep was no option, I put on my robe and headed once again for the kitchen, hoping that a glass of hot milk might help me to fall asleep.
The chief and two maids were sitting around the table, the females chopping carrots for the next day's luncheon.
They all nodded friendly when I entered.
"Well met, Master Erestor. Is there anything I can bring you?" the younger of the two ladies asked, and I nodded.
"Yes I find it hard to fall asleep, so I wondered if you might find the time to warm some milk for me?"
"But of course, Master Erestor! Here, take a seat, I will have your milk ready in no time."
I thanked, and sat down at the table, watching the older of the kitchen maids chopping carrots and eyeing me curiously.
"Are you feeling well, Master Erestor?"
"Why yes, thank you. The sleeplessness aside, I am fine."
"That's good to hear," she nodded, and kept on chopping.
"You shouldn't walk around like this at night, dear Master. Not in your delicate condition," she said, and waved her index finger at me.
"Pray tell, dear madam, what harm could befall me within the walls of the Last Homely House," I answered, amused and at the same time touched by the compassion she showed.
"Ah I know of a woman who was with child, and went in the cellar to get some bottles of mead for her husband, there she got scared by a big rat, and when the baby was born, it had black button eyes and whiskers!"
I laughed. What nonsense!
Or not?
"But certainly this story is nothing but a tale from old " I began, but she cut me off.
"No, no, Master Erestor, believe me, these things do happen! The cousin of a friend of mine who lives over in Mirkwood told me that she knows of a family whose oldest son has eight legs, and all because the father had fought some Mirkwood spiders the day he sired his son!"
She accentuated each word with a whack of her knife, and I was most grateful when the younger maiden handed me a cup with hot milk and I could make a leave.
"Thank you, this was most friendly, my lady. I wish you all a pleasant night."
I got up, and headed for the door.
"Do not forget my advice, dear Master Erestor!" the matron called after me.
"I shall indeed not, dear lady", I muttered, and hasted out of the kitchen.
Whiskers. Eight legs. What nonsense. Who was spinning such yarn! Who in his sane mind would possibly believe such
"Careful!" a female voice called, but it was too late.
In my eagerness to leave the kitchen, I had run into a shelf were all kind of berries were stored, and a huge wicker basket with raspberries toppled over, spreading its tasty load in front of my feet. I almost had a heart attack.
That was it then I would have to prepare Glorfindel for the prospect of having a child looking like a raspberry.
***
I was just adding some chocolate sauce to my cheese-and-frog-feet-sandwich during luncheon when Elrond suddenly paled. A strangled moan escaped his lips, and he gasped: "It's Galadriel she will arrive any minute!"
We all hasted outside, and Fin muttered: "Darn the lady can't she just send a messenger three weeks before her visit so one can hide, instead of far speaking five minutes before her arrival?"
I preferred not to comment, and hardly had we all arrived outside when the Lσrien Elves arrived. Galadriel and Celeborn rode in the front, followed by Rϊmil and Orophin and about 50 other Elves. Much to my surprise, I noticed two of King Thrandϊil's daughters.
"Mae govannen, Galadriel", Elrond said, and forced a smile.
"What an unexpected pleasure to see you so soon again."
"I know you are glad to see me - who wouldn't be," she announced, then slipped off her horse, attempting to kiss Elladan; Elrohir was nowhere to be seen.
Lucky Elf.
After the proper welcome were exchanged, Elrond remembered that it was him who was the Lord of Imladris, and he asked nervously:
"And what lucky circumstances do I have to thank which lead you our way, dearest mother-in-law?"
"Ai," she exclaimed, and clapped her hands, "circumstances indeed!"
She approached me, and patted my belly.
I hate this. Ever since news had gotten out about my "circumstances", every Elf in Imladris felt the need to pat my stomach - the Valar know the last thing I needed were tourists from Lσrien to do the same!
"I am here to take part in this miracle."
Elbereth help. Where was he, my courageous Balrog slayer, when I needed him?
"My lady, your concern honours me, but I really don't think there is much you could do at the moment, the birth is still months away, and to be honest, I am very busy, with all the scrolls to catalogue and ..."
"But this is exactly the reason why I am here!" she cheered, rudely interrupting me.
"You have too much work - all these years, you have burdened yourself with more duties than you could handle, and now that you are with child, it is time to step back."
I gawped at her, and Elrond tried to protest, saying I was in best of health and that there was no need to ...
"My dear son in law," Galadriel cut him off with a smile that would have scared a Warg to death, "while I do understand and appreciate your loyalty towards our cherished and highly valued Erestor, you certainly agree that the situation is much too grave at the moment to take any risks. You need somebody to advise you who is not under stress."
Stress? Who? Me? I wasn't under stress. I never felt better. Sure, there were my mood swings, not to talk about my hunger attacks and my somewhat irrational behaviour, but over all, I was a perfect example for a normal male pregnancy.
Did I just write that?
Elrond was about to get angry.
"Even if Erestor is under stress, I am still capable to handle any situation here. I have done so many millennia, and I can assure you, dear Galadriel, that everything here is under control."
Before anybody could say a further word, Elrohir crawled out of a bush. He was dressed all in greens, his face was painted in greens and browns, and his long, dark tresses were decorated with leaves and daisies.
"Hello grandmother" he cheerfully said, "good to see you! I am sorry, but I have no time for a great welcome, I have to track down the ferocious wildebeest which lurks in our bushes here. I hope this camouflage trick Estel told me about will work."
With that, he crawled in the next bush, and was not seen anymore.
Galadriel cocked an eyebrow.
"I see - everything is under control, indeed."
Elrond sent a pleading look over to Celeborn, who was too busy brushing off some specks of dust from his saddle to notice.
Wuss.
"So what do you suggest then, dear Galadriel?" Elrond asked.
"Oh, I suggest that, until the little Elfling is born, Erestor shall rest, and his duties should be taken over by somebody who is skilled, wise and does care for the needs of all Elves."
The emphasis on the word "all" made me frown. Galadriel waved her hand, a white steed pranced forward, and my frown turned immediately into a full-bloomed twitch, especially when I looked at Glorfindel, who had eyes like saucers, his jaw was hanging down and I expected his tongue to roll out any second.
"This is the replacement for Master Erestor, dear Elrond a cousin of mine, most skilled on the field of diplomacy, and secretary of 'Emancipated Elf Maidens of Middle Earth' (EEOME) Lady Firinwλ."
Elrond groaned, but then he only gawped.
It was clear to see why Fin was most impressed by the new arrival. Or Elrond. Or every other male present. A thick cloud of pheromones was hanging over Rivendell - the lady Firinwλ was one of the most exceptionally beautiful she-Elves known to the Firstborns.
Hair like silver reached down to her waist, eyes almost as blue as Glorfindel's sparkled, perfect lips with a slight pout curved into a smile and promised kisses sweeter than wine, a wonderful figure, long, elegant hands, skin like peaches with cream, and on top of that obviously also a lot of experience in politics and strategy. A perfect replacement.
Needless to say, I hated her from the very first second.
Stay tuned tbc
Author's note: You think I made all this nutty advise up? Well then, anybody who has a well-assorted collection of elderly unmarried aunts will find their knowledge about problems which can occur during pregnancy is endless, and their enjoyment of scaring young mothers to death with such tales is immense.
Lindir: yes, Troubadix has herewith been mary-sued. It had to happen sooner or later. As for the stumble-over-the-robe-incident: this tragic event took place during a performance of Shakespeare's "Richard III", and I know this because I was the klutz who embarrassed herself on stage.
"Nobody escapes the Spanish Inquisition" and "Ferocious Wildebeests": Monty Python. Who else.