Author's note: Mauburz the Straggler received a most absurd email recently, her policy of not including real people fic on our site and not linking to sites who do. You like RPF? Have fun. We don´t tell you not to. But don’t you tell us to do.
But back to the email from Absurdistan: "You don't like RPS because you don't have the talent to write it. Everybody can write stupid stories like yours, but you must have talent to write a good RPF." Something like this.
Oh! Insult!
But true!
The Straggler sure has no talent, Untalented Elfwriter is ... well, the name says its all, and all Lord Glorfindel could come up with would be a pairing like Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse.
So, with your permission, I took up the challenge.
***
Recently, in a trailer on the set of a movie which should be out on December 18, on a continent far, far away ...
Scenery: Real Person 1 (RP1) has laptop on his knees, reading and frowning.
Enter: Real Person 2 (RP2)
RP2: "Have you read Peter's mail?"
RP1: "Hmmm ..."
RP2: "Was this a positive or a negative 'hmmm'?"
RP1: "Hmmm ..."
RP2: "Very well then, I take it as a 'no'."
RP2 steps closer. "Doing research?"
RP1: "Sort of ..."
RP2: looks over shoulder of RP1, reads what's on the screen and rolls eyes. "Oh no ... you're not reading that again, are you ..."
RP1: "It's atrocious ..."
RP2: "... but ever since when did this hold you back."
RP1: "It's my morbid nature. I also slow down the car when I pass an accident so I don't miss out on the details."
RP2: "Sometimes I wonder why we put up with you."
RP1: "My mother in law says the same."
RP2: "She is right."
RP1: "Morron."
RP2: "Imp."
A moment of silence.
RP2: "Ah, now what do we have here ... THAT'S an interesting pairing ..."
RP1: "Yes, isn't it. Though nothing beats Balrog / Bill the Pony ..."
RP2: "... but that's only fictional."
RP1: "Well so is this!" Pause, glares at RP2 "Or so I hope."
RP2: snickers
Another moment of silence.
RP2: "Wait, wait, don't scroll so fast, I haven't finished that paragraph."
RP1: "Which one?"
RP2: "The one with the cucumber."
RP1: "Oh, that one ..."
RP2: "Pretty adventurous ... not like you at all."
RP1: "Ha. Ha. So funny. The good stuff comes down there …" scrolls …
RP2: "So I was told."
RP1: "My, now aren't we amusing today!"
RP2: "I'm always amusing."
RP1: "If I was a masochist, then I'd agree."
RP2: "Woohoo ... a shower scene."
RP1: "Of course. There are always shower scenes. 2, if possible more."
RP2: reads, snorts, reads, giggles. "Now THAT'S what I call inventive."
RP1: "Well. I couldn't do that on my own, not to talk with somebody on top of me ..."
RP2: "You should work out more often."
RP1: "You're only jealous."
RP2: "Yes, you are so right. If I could afford a cucumber, I'd be a much happier person."
RP1: "Don't you have anything to do?"
RP2: "No, not at all."
RP1: "Could you go and be annoying somewhere else then?"
RP2: "I could, but I don't want to. I won't leave before I've read the part with the whipped cream."
RP1: "What whipped cream?"
RP2: "There is ALWAYS some sort of whipped cream involved."
RP1: "Now don't be gross!"
RP2: howls.
Both are reading on.
RP2: "I really don't know why you read this."
RP1: "As I said: morbid fascination. And you are still here, by the way. Just thought I mention it."
RP2: "Well, actually I only wanted to ask if you join us for a drink."
RP1: "Sure. I'll be with you in, say 15 minutes?"
RP2: "Does it take that long to switch the lap off?"
RP1: "No, but I have to send the author some feedback."
RP2: "FEEDBACK? Have you gone insane?"
RP1: "Now look - a) she wrote I have the "stamina of a man half my age", and b) that I am "very well endowed". The least I can do is to say thank you."
RP2: "Now who is gross here - and what is your internet name?"
RP1: "Primrose."
RP2: "PRIMROSE?!?"
RP1: "Don't ask."
RP2: "I wouldn't dare to."
RP2 turns around to leave, then stops a moment, looks back over his shoulder and adds: "Say hello from me - and the mole is on my left cheek, not on the right!"
***
The End