MASTER ELROND'S LETTERBOX
Letters he wrote - letters he received
Collected by Master Erestor, with friendly support of Lord Glorfindel and two bottles of Miruvor
Once more with feeling: The All Singing, All Dancing Not-Wedding of Lord Glorfindel - a grisly tale of love, war and King Thrandúil's best 2948 2nd Ager
A modern faerie tale by Master Erestor
The following document, written by Master Erestor, was recently found in Lord Elrond's library, and an anonymous source has made it available to us. It's with good reason the court of Elrond never published this grisly tale!
Once upon a not so long time – in fact it happened only last week – there lived a wise and kind Elven Lord – let's call him Elrond, for that's easy to memorize – who was fair of face, well-loved by his people and his family, and much respected by all those who served him.
One day, a summon was received from King Thrandúil to attend a conference in his realm of Mirkwood. Unfortunately, Lord Elrond suffered from a heavy cold, and wasn't really up for the long journey, so he sent his trusted advisors Master Erestor and Lord Glorfindel in his stead, to represent the realm of Imladris. This was a very wise decision, for Lord Glorfindel, the famous Balrog slayer, was very fair of face, charming and intelligent, and Master Erestor hadn't exactly been beaten with the ugly stick, either.
On arrival the delegation from Imladris learned very quickly the reason for King Thrandúil's summon: to strengthen the ties between his realm and Imladris and Lórien, he suggested a marriage between his sister, Lady Aruviel, and a member of the houses of Elrond or Celeborn.
The Lady Galadriel, who was present, was delighted by the idea, her husband Lord Celeborn, however, wasn't, and as he was already under the influence of some strong alcoholic beverage (King Thrandúil's best 2948 2nd Ager), he said to Lord Glorfindel that King Thrandúil must have smoked some of Gandalf's special weed to come up with an idea like this, and pointed out the Lady Aruviel had the natural grace of a cave troll and the charms of a Balrog. Lord Glorfindel was amused, Lady Galadriel, alas, wasn't, and she suggested her husband went for a walk.
It was then suggested that the Lady Aruviel could be wed to one of Lord Elrond's sons, for he was the father of twins so fair of face even the sun looked pale, alas, this suggestion was dropped almost immediately when Master Erestor told an amusing little tale of an incident where Elladan and Elrohir had covered the Lady Galadriel's face with little green spots while she was sleeping, and causing her to have a hysteric fit because she was convinced she had caught the Gondolinian Plague when she woke up in the next morn.
Also the question if maybe Master Erestor would be available for a marriage was settled quickly, as he stated he lived for many years already with Lady Marwië – which prompted the Lady Galadriel to comment that she had always lived under the impression that Marwië was Master Erestor's horse. A moment of painful silence arose, and it didn't help much that Lord Celeborn stated that Marwië being a horse wasn't that bad a thing, at least Erestor wouldn't notice much difference if he should marry the Lady Aruviel.
Lady Galadriel ordered her loyal servants Haldir and Orophin to escort Lord Celeborn back to his rooms, or, even better, find some nice cave for him, far out in the depths of Mirkwood, and she expressed her wish that Shelob the Spider Queen would keep him good company.
The loyal Galadhrim bowed, and escorted their lord out of the hall, but Haldir hid two bottles of King Thrandúil's best 2948 2nd Ager hidden under his tunic, for he was also a very loyal servant of Lord Celeborn.
A dark cloud of doom was gathering over Mirkwood when Lady Aruviel expressed her delight in Lord Glorfindel, whom she referred to as "my cute little Balrog slayer" and, after the second bottle of the 2948 2nd Ager, tried to climb on his lab to braid his hair.
Unfortunately, the seat didn't hold her considerable additional weight, and crashed, so both the Lord and the Lady ended up on the floor, and if it hadn't been for Orophin, who dragged the Lord out from under the Lady Aruviel, this could have taken a bad end, as Lord Glorfindel had already gone blue in the face.
The following days, the Lady Aruviel followed Lord Glorfindel where ever he went. Once he could only save his honour and sanity by escaping from her amorous advances by jumping out of the window of the library and climbing down a vine. Unfortunately, the vine broke, and the proud Elven lord landed in a pond underneath. He later found a frog in his pocket, and when he returned to his quarters to change into dry clothes, he found Lady Aruviel sitting on his bed, sewing her name tags into his robes.
The frog had been more pleasant a find.
Then, one horrible night – last Wednesday, to be more precisely – King Thrandúil ordered the delegation of Rivendell to perform on a feast he gave in honour of "the two turtle doves", as he put it, for Lord Glorfindel was well known for his beautiful voice. There was no way to refuse this order without causing a serious diplomatic incident.
Unfortunately, two hours before the feast Lord Celeborn turned up in the quarters of Lord Glorfindel, who was just discussing with Master Erestor what song to perform this night, bringing with him not only Haldir, but also a whole crate of King Thrandúil's 2948 2nd Ager.
Two hours later, Lord Glorfindel performed the following song, supporting- and background-vocals by Master Erestor and Lord Celeborn:
"THE ALL SINGING, ALL DANCING NOT-WEDDING OF LORD GLORFINDEL"
GLORFINDEL:
"An Elf-maid is the sweetest thing
on that we all agree
but when she speaks the wedding vows
an Elf's no longer free!"
CHORUS (GLORFINDEL AND ERESTOR)
"That's why I'm
safe, sane and single
I'm on my merry way
Yes I'm
safe, sane and single that's how I'm gonna stay!"
CELEBORN:
"Ha ha, I got one, too:
A lord and lady came upon
the parting of their ways.
The lord he thanked the Valar
then he partied 90 days!"
CHORUS (GLORFINDEL AND CELEBORN)
"That's why I'm
safe, sane and single
I'm on my merry way
Yes I'm safe, sane and single
that's how I'm gonna stay"
CELEBORN:
"I wish I was!"
ERESTOR:
"A friend of mine got married
What a most unhappy day!
She broke his bow, then sold his horse
and gave his wine away!"
CHORUS (GLORFINDEL AND ERESTOR)
"That's why
I'm safe, sane and single
I'm on my merry way
Yes I'm safe, sane and single
that's how I'm gonna stay!"
GLORFINDEL:
"I met a maid in Mirkwood once
And if you think that's fun:
She sewed her name tags in my robes
All I could do was run!"
CHORUS (GLORFINDEL AND ERESTOR)
"That's why I'm
safe, sane and single
I'm on my merry way
Yes I'm safe, sane and single
that's how I'm gonna stay!"
GLORFINDEL:
"She followed me for 15 days
Insisting that we wed
If only Asfaloth could cook
I'd marry HIM instead!"
CHORUS (GLORFINDEL AND ERESTOR):
"That's why I'm
safe, sane and single
I'm on my merry way
Yes I'm safe, sane and single
that's how I'm gonna stay!"
ALL:
"Thank Elbereth that we are safe,
Thank Elbereth we're free
Yes we are
safe, sane and single
that's how we want to stay!"
(Click here to hear an excerpt of Glorfindel singing this song (Glorfindel DEFINITELY put the "grrr" in "grrroovy") - background vocals by Erestor and Celeborn. Might be useful, so you can sing along …)
Ever since then, things were going downhill … not so much because the Lady Aruviel was hunting after Lord Glorfindel with her brother's mace - he was fast on foot and she had no chance to catch him - but Lady Galadriel threw a bottle of King Thrandúil's 2948 2nd Ager after her husband, who was pulled to the floor by loyal Haldir, which resulted in the bottle colliding with the royal head of King Thrandúil, who immediately passed out and missed the scene where Lady Aruviel stumbled over the legs of Erestor, who just happened to sit in the way, and landed head first in the pond.
This, in retrospective, is a good thing. (That King Thrandúil missed it.)
In the very early morning, long before the sun rose, the delegation from Rivendell stole themselves away from Mirkwood, bringing nothing home but the hangover from Mordor, while the Lórien delegation at least secured a couple of bottles of King Thrandúil's 2948 2nd Ager.
Lord Elrond already awaited his two advisors, and his eyebrows climbed almost to the back of his head. After Lord Glorfindel and Master Erestor had finished their grisly tale, Lord Elrond sighed deeply, asked if, by any chance, they'd brought a bottle of King Thrandúil's 2948 2nd Ager along, and when he heard that, indeed, Lord Celeborn had hoarded all left over bottles for himself, Lord Elrond excused himself, claiming to have a headache.
On his way back to his study, where already King Thrandúil's declaration of war lay on his desk, he mused for the umpteenth time this day if he hadn't been happier if he had become a gardener.
Lord Glorfindel, we are sorry to report, did not live happily ever after. Last thing we heard, he was counting Orcs in Mirkwood.
The End
Author's notes:
1. "The all singing, all dancing not-wedding of Lord Glorfindel" is a spoof on the great, unique, wonderful, amazing (yes, I like him) Louis Jordan's "Safe, Sane and Single".
2. Yes, I know these are not Glorfindel and Erestor, but anonymous Elves no. 2334 and 2335. "But in times like these, who keeps score …" And anonymous Elf no. 2335 has nice cheekbones, so let's not be picky.
(Addendum: I hang my head in shame ... as several people have pointed out to me, "Glorfindel" is actually an Elf with a name I can't remember but it starts with "F" like "fluffy", played by a certain Mr Ben Britton, who has a collectors card to his name.
I also learned that "my" Glorfindel was at first suspected to be King Thrandúil, Legolas' dad.
And I hang my head even deeper as I did not realize that "Erestor" is actually Haldir's brother Orophin wearing a black wig. I SHOULD have recognized the cheekbones, dammit! My apologies to the actor (I guess I will never hear the end of it).
HOWEVER: as I'm a despotic shop owner, I have decided that fluffy elf got promoted and shall futhermore be glorfindel, whether he likes it or not. And thranduil DOES appear in the story, so let's not be fuzzy.
And The Elf Formerly Known As Orophin is now Erestor, basta. At least this way, he's got a name.
And this aside, it's only fictional, anyway. No Elves were harmed in the production process. :-)
3. Yes. I'm having way too much fun with this.