Rating: yellow
Pairing: Erestor/Glorfindel mentioned, Haldir/Celeborn mentioned, Orophin/every female on both sides of the Celebrant, Rúmil
Warnings: AU. Very! And breasts are mentioned. Bosoms as well. Be afraid, be very afraid....
Beta: Miss Kharessa
Summary: Orophin needs to cool down, and Erestor is too hot to handle.
HEATWAVE
My, was it hot.
Lothlórien smarted under a heat wave. Not even the Lady Galadriel could remember ever having experienced anything like this stifling, suffocating heat. The lightest of garments was soaked with sweat within minutes, clinging to the body and making the skin crawl. Daily life in the Golden Wood came to a halt. Had an enemy decided to attack Lothlórien, they would have found a forest full of lethargic Elves, too exhausted even to look at their bows and arrows. Luckily for all involved, the Orcs found the weather too hot for attacks as well.
In a talan high in one of Lothlórien's mighty Mallorn trees, Rúmil and his two brothers were lolling in their favourite seats or, in Orophin’s case, on the sofa. He was naked and trying without much success to cool his body with a fan.
"I am hot," he stated, "I need to cool down."
Haldir, despite the heat, was dressed immaculately in leggings and a white linen shirt. He looked up briefly from the book he was reading and arched an eyebrow at his youngest brother.
"I fully agree with you. But you are hot winter or summer, autumn or spring, and I am sure many a husband and father would welcome it greatly if you would finally cool down."
Rúmil, despite feeling close to melting, sniggered.
"Good one, Haldir," he said, grinning at Orophin, who glared daggers at him. "Though I would say that, for the moment, the ladies of this realm are safe from his advances. I doubt anyone would get involved in physical activities in this heat."
"That is what you think, you neophyte," Orophin replied, looking rather smug. "I am ready and willing for any performance, no matter the weather, so it is certainly not my fault that I have had to sleep alone for three full days. I do not know what is wrong with the ladies these days."
Haldir lowered his book and stared at his brother with mock outrage.
"Three days since you bedded anybody? But Orophin! This is terrible!"
As usual, Haldir's sarcasm flew right over Orophin's head, and the young Elf nodded enthusiastically.
"Indeed, it is. Here I am, ready and willing – and they sit at home, cooling their brows with ice and waiting for the heat to pass. They must have lost their senses."
"I would rather say that they have found them again," Haldir replied, shaking his head. "It is also possible that there are no ladies left who have not yet made your acquaintance."
Orophin waved him off.
"What would you know about the ladies, Haldir? For six hundred years you have been Lord Celeborn's very secret lover that everybody knows about; I doubt that you would recognise a lady if she would sit on your lap and show you her breasts."
Despite the heat, Haldir shuddered a little at the thought of some female sitting on his lap and forcing him to examine body parts in which he had not the slightest interest.
"I know what a lady looks like, thank you very much. Be grateful that I leave them all to you, or you would have to go even more nights without company."
"Haldir does not like breasts," Rúmil stated.
"Then he should stop feeding Celeborn those sticky almond pastries," Orophin snapped, "or he will find himself having to deal with quite a handful in the near future."
Haldir growled, but Orophin ignored him. He stretched out his long legs and smiled.
"Breasts," he sighed dreamily, "so soft and cuddly, how can one not love them?"
"Trust me, that is a very easy thing to manage," Haldir muttered, trying to focus on his book again. "Could we change the subject, or at least be quiet?"
For a while, all that could be heard was the whooshing of Orophin's fan and the occasional rustle when Haldir turned a page.
"I like breasts," Rúmil interrupted the silence.
"Oh, for crying out loud, could we drop this matter now?" Haldir groaned, rolling his eyes at his brother.
"Rúmil has every right to talk about breasts if he wants to," Orophin declared. "Just because you have never seen any breasts up close, that does not mean Rúmil has to live an ignorance, too."
"This is ridiculous," Haldir protested, "of course I have seen breasts!"
Orophin propped himself up on his elbows and wiggled his eyebrows at his brother.
"Aha, you have seen breasts! This is the first time I have heard about it. Pray tell, dear brother, what were the circumstances under which you were exposed to those most beautiful parts of the female anatomy?"
Haldir decided to ignore Orophin, but the younger Elf would not let the matter rest.
"Come on, it is just us brothers here, and I swear that I will not tell anybody. Who was it? Was she pretty? Tell me!"
Haldir grumbled and hid behind 'Warfare of the First Age'.
Rúmil giggled.
"I know – it was Lady Arwen, was it not? Oh yes, it must have been Arwen! She always had a weak spot for you! Ah, now what was that cute nickname she had for you again… do you remember, Orophin?"
Haldir's ears had turned lobster red, and Orophin's eyes sparkled with amusement as he rubbed his chin, feigning serious consideration of Rúmil's question. Haldir was so easy to annoy!
"I think she called him 'Cuddly Cheeks', if I remember correctly," Rúmil replied after a few moments. Orophin broke out in loud laughter, drumming his fists on the floor.
"Ah, Rúmil, always so helpful! Exactly! So come on, do tell us, Cuddly Cheeks, what did the Last Homely Breasts look like?"
Haldir's hands trembled with anger.
"If you do not stop it right now, Orophin, you will never see any breasts, boobies, chests or bosoms ever again!"
"Well, he will not see any breasts for a long while, anyway," Rúmil remarked. "He has already bedded every female over the age of majority who could not run away quickly enough. In Lothlórien, anyway."
Orophin lay down again, a smug smile on his face.
"Indeed. I really do not know what it is, but I guess I have that special something the ladies cannot resist."
Haldir closed his book.
"Orophin. You are getting on my nerves. I did not know that it was rutting season for Galadhrim, but if it is and you cannot find a female, then by all means go out and find a male to relieve you from your burning need."
"Thank you for the suggestion, but I think I am too old to change my preferences," Orophin replied, still moving the fan to and fro.
"A pity; you miss out on some outstanding loveliness. Just think of Lord Elrond's twin sons, or that adorable advisor of his, Erestor. Ah, those eyes..." Rúmil broke off with a dreamy sigh.
Orophin sat up abruptly, gesturing at his older brother with his fan. .
"Erestor? ERESTOR? Do you think I am that desperate? Erestor is not adorable. Erestor is the bane of all Elven kind, an icicle in a robe! I would rather forsake all bodily pleasures than ever get involved with that long-nosed beanpole!"
Haldir sniggered.
"Aw, come on, Orophin. Do not be so unforgiving. After all, Erestor apologised for mistaking you for a female the first time you met."
Orophin growled.
"You know, that would be a real challenge," Haldir added, putting his book aside. "Charming Erestor! Imagine! You would be the envy of the Golden Wood! Now, would he not be prey worthy of a great hunter such as yourself?"
Orophin considered Haldir's words. True, Erestor was annoying - but he was also quite lovely. For a male, that was. That dark hair and the soft brown eyes... and then his reputation for thwarting every suitor... expertise was needed here! And he, Orophin, was an expert in the art of seduction!
"The delegation from Imladris is still here," Haldir said. "If I am not mistaken, the Lord and the Lady invited them for a picnic by the pond this afternoon. Why not go there and try to work your magic?"
Orophin threw his head back and snorted.
"I am not used to running after Elves. I am not interested in the advisor; I do not find him attractive in the least. He is a male and anyway it is far too hot."
"So your big words were nothing but hot air then. As if we did not have too much of that already. But, very well, suit yourself. I shall now finish this book, if you do not mind."
Orophin jumped up, throwing the fan on the floor.
"So that is what you think? Ha! Now listen, big brother of mine, I shall now go to the pond, and if I should not manage to have Erestor in my bed by tomorrow night, I shall take over two of your night shifts!"
"Now we are talking!" Haldir grinned. "Agreed! And should you really manage this miracle, I shall take over two of your night shifts."
Orophin rubbed his hands.
"Good! You can be assured that I will not spend those nights in a Mallorn tree looking for Orcs, but in my bed in Erestor's company."
The youngest of the three brothers quickly put on his clothes, then he went to a cupboard and pulled out a towel. He hastened out the door, whistling joyfully.
"Haldir, you are mean," Rúmil said, shaking his head.
"Who? Me? Never!" Haldir declared, his face a picture of innocence.
"Yes, you are. You did not tell Orophin about Glorfindel."
"I must have forgotten... silly me. But well, Orophin will find out soon enough all by himself," Haldir replied, returning his attention to his book.
"Glorfindel will strangle him," Rúmil stated.
Haldir shook his head.
"Oh no, he would not. Glorfindel would never hurt Orophin. He is a guest in the Golden Wood, after all, and unlike our dear brother, he knows how to behave. My guess is that he will throw him in the pond."
Rúmil considered Haldir's answer for a moment. Then he grinned.
"Well, he did complain about the heat," he said, "so one could say that you were doing him a favour."
Haldir nodded.
"Indeed. It will do him good to cool his heels."
"Haldir?"
"Yes?"
"Remind me never to get on your bad side."
"Do not mention almond pastries, and you will be fine."
Rúmil reached for the fan Orophin had cast aside and began to cool his skin.
My, was it hot.