"The Birds and the Bees" - a lot of letters! or: How Elladan and Elrohir did not learn the Facts of Life
Author's notes: there is hardly a subject of discussion between parents and children which causes more embarrassment and misunderstanding than the infamous "bees and birds" talk. Generations of parents have tried to teach their offspring facts the offspring already knew better than they did. Just in case you feel that you were a failure when talking to your children: Elrond did not do much better.

Beta-read by Eveiya, the Punctuation Princess.


"I know about the birdies, paw, let's talk about them bees…"

Galadriel to Elrond

"My dear son-in-law

I have decided that now, as the twins have come of age, it is time for you to talk with them about the facts of life. I am sure that you agree that my daughter is of too sensitive a nature to handle this task, so I find myself in a rare state of agreement with my husband who suggested that you are the perfect Elf to master this.

I expect your report (two copies please).

You loving mother-in-law

Galadriel"

***

Elrond to Celeborn

"Celeborn

Thank you so much – my gratitude knows no bounds.

Elrond"

***

Celeborn to Elrond

"My dear friend

No need to thank me – the pleasure is all mine.

Celeborn"

***

Elrond to Erestor

"My dear Master Erestor

Your skills as a diplomat as well as your great knowledge are needed. The twins have come of age and need to be told the facts of life. I have decided that the honour of this task should go to you.

Lord Elrond

PS: This is not a request."

***

Erestor to Elrond

"My lord Elrond

I refuse.

Master Erestor"

***

Elrond to Erestor

"Erestor

Either the facts of life or counting Orcs in Mirkwood.

Your lord"

***

Erestor to Elrond

"Lord Elrond

I choose the Orcs.

Master Erestor"

***

Elrond to Glorfindel

"Glorfindel, my dear old friend

It is widely known that you are an expert when it comes to the art of love. You are the only Elf worthy to explain to our sons the facts of life. Would Saturday be suitable?

Your good old friend Elrond
(who saved your life three times, remember?)

***

Glorfindel to Elrond

"Dear Elrond

I take it Erestor refused?

Fin"

***

Elrond to Glorfindel

"Dear Fin

Yes.

Elrond"

***

Glorfindel to Erestor

"My dear boring Erestor

I am most sorry to hear that you are lacking information and possibly also experience regarding the facts of life. Generous and selfless as I am, I would offer you my help in this matter and share my experience. Friday, my chamber? You might be surprised to hear that Elflings are not left in a basket on the parents’ door step by Yavanna.

Lord Glorfindel"

***

Erestor to Glorfindel

"Lord Glorfindel

The facts of life are very much known to me, and I am well aware that Elflings do not come in baskets. You might be the exception here, because I am very sure that Sauron himself deposited you on the doorstep of the House of the Golden Flower. This aside, your experience is of no use to me, as I do not intend to court a cave troll any time soon.

And it is Master Erestor to you.

Master Erestor, House of the Circling Raven"

***

Glorfindel to Erestor

"Dear Master Erestor

I am glad to hear that the facts of life are very much known to you. So was Elrond, who insists that you put your knowledge to good use and do as he told you.

Lord Glorfindel, House of the Golden Flower"

***

Erestor to Galadriel

"My dear lady Galadriel

Please find enclosed the draft of the speech I intend to make to your grandsons. I just wish to reassure myself that I have not left out anything which you might consider vitally important.

Your loyal servant

Master Erestor"

***

Galadriel to Elrond

"Elrond!

It is with the greatest disappointment that I have learnt of your pitiful attempt to skirt your duties as a husband and father! Elladan will leave Lothlórien tomorrow, this will give you enough time to talk to Elrohir in the meantime. Should you have forgotten any details about the facts of life, read a book!

Galadriel"

***

Elrond to Erestor

"Erestor

You are a viper I nurtured at my bosom! And now kindly send me some books which might be useful – anatomy, history, witchcraft, anything. If possible with illustrations.

Lord Elrond"

***

Celebrián to Galadriel

"My dear nana

Oh nana, I am devastated! I was looking for my favourite shawl in the cupboard and found a pile of books which obviously belong to Elrond! Books with pictures of naked Elves! Male and female! What am I supposed to do? I thought our love life was fairly normal – did I fail?

Your loving daughter

Celebrián"

***

Galadriel to Celebrián

"Dear child

While unpleasant, this is normal behaviour for males. Your father has a large collection of erotic literature, and I have come to accept it. Do not be too upset, penneth – as long as he is reading, he is not doing anything else.

Maybe Elrond is bored? Then you should act before somebody else does: I herewith send you the latest catalogue of Fredericiel of Lothlórien.

Your loving mother

Galadriel"

***

Celebrián to Fredericiel of Lothlórien

"… and I kindly ask you to have the black see-through negligee with the Mallorn leaf embroidery delivered to the Last Homely House by tomorrow afternoon, at the latest.

Lady Celebrián of Rivendell"

***

Erestor to Elrond

"Lord Elrond

Please find enclosed some more books – unfortunately, I was unable to locate "Mirkwood Love Secrets", which is considered a standard in erotic literature. I have found one tome which describes the birthing process, but the descriptions are rather scientific. Maybe you could just tell them that giving birth to an Elfling is equal to squashing an apple through a key hole.

Master Erestor"

***

Elrond to Erestor

"Erestor

We used to have 10 copies of "Mirkwood Love Secrets" – are you trying to tell me that they are all gone?

Lord Elrond"

***

Erestor to Elrond

"Lord Elrond

Indeed.

Master Erestor"

***

Celebrián to Galadriel

"Dear nana

Bull's eye!

Celebrián"

***

Elrond to Glorfindel

"Dear Fin

I feel exhausted today. Please do me the favour and locate Elrohir. He is camping in the woods. Tell him that I wish to speak to him the day after tomorrow. In private.

Elrond"

***

Elrohir to Elladan

"Dear brother

I cannot wait for your return. It is boring here without you. And I am a little worried about ada. I think he is developing a fever. Yesterday we went for a walk in the garden. He said we needed to find a bee because he wished to demonstrate something. However, we did not find a bee, and he said this would complicate things. We then sat down among the flowers, and he asked me if I knew the story of the bee that fell in love with a daisy and had to squash an apple through a key hole. Do you know this story? I never heard of it.

He said that bees could never be careful enough what daisies they visit, because the loveliest flower might have a mother who is a prickly cactus, and in any case, bees should never visit flowers without signing a contract first. He tried to tell me something else, but he suddenly began to sneeze, his eyes got all puffy and red and his nose was running, so I brought him to the Healing House.

Love

Elrohir"

***

Elladan to Elrohir

"Dear Elrohir

"Thanks again for sending me "Mirkwood Love Secrets"! You were right – there were a few positions I did not know. I hope I will find the time to try them out with my special friend here before I have to return.

Hugs

Elladan"

***

Elrond to Galadriel

"Dear mother-in-law

After trying to talk to Elrohir yesterday I have come to the conclusion that my sons are still too young and innocent to be exposed to the facts of life.

Your loving son-in-law

Elrond"

***
The End