For all you brave ones who are still here: have fun!
Summary: Orophin tells the Lothlorien version of "Hansel and Gretel".
Author's notes: a little silliness while I work on "Finding Namo". What can I say - I have the cold out of Mordor - the Paracetamol made me do it (I can't possibly blame it on It-Elf and Boss-Elf, now can I!)
This silly little thing was beta-read by Ye Wonderful Magic Rat and Ye amazing Eveiya.
BABES IN THE WOODS
Recently, in Rivendell...
Glorfindel woke up when softly murmured Elvish curses meandered their way into his ear. He sat up, cast the still deeply asleep Erestor an envious look, then he got up, slipped on a silk robe and, scratching his head and yawning, he shuffled over to the nursery.
Here, much to his surprise, he found Orophin pacing up and down the floor with a fully awake and giggling Estorel, who clutched tightly to his Frodo doll and hit his guardian over the head with it every other moment.
"Please excuse my curiosity, Orophin, but why are you here; why is Estorel awake, and why are both of these things the case long before the morning breaks?"
Orophin looked a little guilty, then he quickly moved his head to the left to avoid another attack from the Elfling, who giggled and enjoyed this new game.
"My apologies, my lord. I was passing by the door when I heard a noise. I wanted to make sure everything was in order, so I came in and..."
"... and you found a wide awake Estorel who welcomed your company. I see."
Glorfindel sighed, then he took his son from Orophin, who looked rather relieved, but the very moment the child left the Galadhrim's arms, he started to whine and prepared to cry.
Fin, who was an experienced audience when it came to Estorel's solo concerts, quickly passed the Elfling back to Orophin, and in fact, as soon as he was snuggled in the tall Elf's arms, he giggled again, and twapp! twapp! the Frodo doll collided with Orophin's forehead.
"I do not dare to ask why you wander the corridors at night, dear Orophin, but as you are already here, I hope you will help me to convince my son to resume his nap."
Orophin, who had actually had a row with Elladan and had been locked out of their bedchamber, preferred not to go into his reasons, so he sat down in a chair by the window, and cuddled the Elfling, carefully avoiding Estorel's strokes with his fierce Hobbit-weapon. He had a headache already, anyway, though Elladan had missed when he threw the vase after him.
Glorfindel didn't know whether to be amused or insulted by his son's obvious preference for the Lorien Elf. On the other hand: the sooner Estorel was back in his bed and sleeping, the sooner he could go back to his bed, and make sure that Erestor got some entertainment as well.
"My, dear Orophin - we certainly hit the bull's eye when we made you guardian to Estorel! But now you face the final test: can you tell him a bedtime story?"
Orophin winced.
"It has been such a long time since Elladan and Elrohir were Elflings, my lord - I am afraid I have forgotten all tales."
Fin laughed, mentally rubbing his hands.
"Too bad, too bad - for you will not leave this room before this Elfling here walks in Dreamland again. Maybe a story you told Haldir when he was a wee babe?"
Orophin thought back on the stories he had told Haldir - stories which always involved monsters, dragons and Wargs who hunted a little blond Elfling who had pestered his brother into telling him a bedtime story. The nightly tales used to end with Haldir running crying to his mother's room and insisting on hiding under the blankets, while Orophin grinned like a fiend.
"I do not think these stories would be suitable for Estorel, my lord", he replied, his words muffled by another twapp! from the doll right over his mouth. By Elbereth - this had to end! There was a very angry, but also very naked Elladan in their chambers, and the sooner Estorel was asleep again, the sooner he could return to his husband and make up for everything.
"I know a tale, my lord - it is a classic Elfling-tale from Lothlorien".
"Splendid," Fin said, leaning back in his seat, "go ahead then!"
Orophin sat Estorel on his thigh, and began to tell the tale of
THE BABES IN THE WOODS
"Once upon a time, back in the second age …
... there dwelt in a great forest a mighty Elf-lord of exquisite beauty and elegance, much loved by his people, renowned for his wisdom beyond the borders of his realm, and he was called Elrond.
Lord Elrond and his wife Celebrian had three children. There were the twins, Elladan and Elrohir, and a daughter, Arwen, who was of exquisite beauty as well (she took after her father's family). Unfortunately, she was not the brightest pebble on the banks of the River Bruinen, and later ran off with a ranger who ... but that's another story. Back to the second age.
One day, a messenger came to the court of Lord Elrond, bringing an urgent top secret message. Lord Elrond opened the scroll, then he arranged himself in the most favourable way on his throne, draped his arm over his face and cried: "We are doomed! DOOMED I say!"
His wife came running to see what had caused her husband's distress.
"My dear husband," Celebrian cried, and wrung her hands (as all good wives do), "what has happened? Why are you in such despair? Has my mother written to announce her visit?"
Elrond covered his face with his hand (elegant, long fingers), then took a deep breath and sighed: "Oh, what is to become of us! How are we to feed our poor children, when we will no longer have anything even for ourselves!"
Then he showed his wife the urgent top secret message he had just read.
"It is from the Valar - they have overstretched the budget to run Middle Earth because Legolas only uses the palantir during business hours, which costs a fortune. Now they cannot afford to have all of our children in this story any longer, only one!"
Elrond started to shed bitter tears, wrung his hands and made noises of distress.
Celebrian took Elrond's hand (elegant, long fingers) and said:
"Do not worry, beloved husband, I know what we will do. We must keep Arwen, she is very fair of face and we cannot risk losing a strong female identification figure among our readers, so early in the morrow, I shall send Master Erestor with the twins out into The Forest Formerly Known As Greenwood The Great, to where it is thickest, there they shall hunt Orcs and spiders until the day the budget is balanced again."
"Nay!" Lord Elrond said, "Nay! And nay again! I would never do this! How could I bear to leave the twins alone in The Forest Formerly Known As Greenwood The Great, where wild Orcs roam and certain princelings have a reputation for playing rude pranks on innocent visitors!"
"0h, you Took of an elf lord!" his wife cried, "then we must all die of hunger, with no Lembas to fill our stomachs and no bleach to dye my hair - ah! We are all doomed!"
Elrond glared at her.
"This is my line, wife - if you wish to be immortalized in the history books, come up with your own quotes!"
With that, he rushed out of the room, robes softly rustling.
The following day, she left him no peace, nagging and poking and trying to make him change his mind.
"Elrond!" she finally exclaimed, "It is either the twins or your Gil-galad thimble collection!"
When he heard this, Elrond paled, for he loved his thimbles very much, and as he'd been worn down by his wife's constant nagging, he finally consented.
"But I feel very sorry for the poor Elflings, all the same," he said, "and no good will come of this, wife!"
Meanwhile, back in the next room ...
Elladan and Elrohir had overheard their parents talking; not that they'd been eavesdropping or anything, but Celebrian's voice had the volume of a Gondorian fog horn, so even the servants in the kitchen had been witnesses to the matrimonial discussion between the lordly couple.
Elrohir wept and said to his brother: "Ai, Elladan, now all is over for us, we are lost!"
"Do not worry," said Elladan, "I will surely find a way to help us, and this aside, I look forward very much to holidays without ada and nana, and especially without Arwen!"
"But we will get lost and never find our way out of The Forest Formerly Known As Greenwood The Great again, Elladan!"
Elladan rolled his eyes, for his brother was a bit of a wimp at times, which annoyed him greatly.
"Just let me take care of this, Elrohir," he said, radiating confidence, "I have read Master Erestor's 'Young Elves Handbook to Scouting and Scurrying', I know how to handle this situation."
He waited till his parents had fallen asleep, then he got up and made his way through the corridor to the room of his sister Arwen.
She was fast asleep and snoring loudly, so it was no problem for Elladan to sneak into her room and stuff Arwen's pearl necklace in the pocket of his leggings. And as he was already there, he picked up a quill from Arwen's desk and drew a moustache and a beard on her face.
Then he went back and said to Elrohir: "You may now sleep in peace, little brother, I have taken care of everything," and he lay down and fell asleep immediately.
When the morning broke, Celebrian awoke the twins, and said: "Up, up, you sluggards! Master Erestor is already waiting!"
She gave each of the elflings a piece of Lembas, then she said: "This is your dinner, do not eat it all up at once, who knows when your next meal will be."
Elrohir took the Lembas, as Elladan already had his pockets full with Arwen's necklace, then Elladan, Elrohir and Master Erestor set out together into the forest.
After a while, Elladan stopped, and turned back to the house, and he did so again and again, till finally Master Erestor asked: "Elladan, pray tell - what is there to see? Why do you turn around all the time? Come, come, we must not delay, the way is a long one, do not forget how to use your legs."
"Ai, Master Erestor," Elladan said, "I just thought Arwen was standing at the gate, waving me goodbye."
Master Erestor shook his head.
"That is not your sister, dear Elladan, it is just Mistress Mauburz' mop which she uses to swipe out the shop, but I admit, one could easily be fooled there."
Elladan had, of course, not been looking back at his sister, but had been dropping one of the pearls on the road every time he turned around.
After a long while, they had reached the middle of a forest, and Master Erestor said:
"So, young lords, sit down and make yourselves comfortable, while I go and see if the grass grows properly."
With that, he went away, and soon Elladan and Elrohir lost sight of him.
The twins, hungry as they were, each ate a little piece of Lembas, and soon, they got sleepy and nodded off. When at last they awoke, it was dark night. Elrohir (who, as you already figured out by now, was a bit of a wimp), began to cry again, and said: "Ai, Elladan - how do we get out of the forest now?"
Elladan comforted him, and said: "Do not worry, Elrohir - I have dropped the pearls from Arwen's necklace on the way here, so all we have to do is follow them, and we will get back home."
Alas - they found no pearls, for a couple of Dwarves had crossed their path not long ago, and had picked up all of them. This just goes to proves once again that Elves should steer clear of Dwarves.
Elladan and Elrohir walked the whole night, a day, and another night, but they did not get out of the forest, and they were very hungry. Deeper and deeper they got into the forest, and by now, even Elladan was becoming a little worried.
Now the moment has come to talk about Master Erestor's talents as a scout. The less said about it, the better. For, indeed, he had not led the twins into The Forest Formerly Known As Greenwood The Great, but to a place called "Lothlorien" - and all because he had held the map upside down.
Just when the twins thought all was lost, they reached a little talan, six feet off the ground, and when they approached, they saw that it was built of Lembas and covered with sweet red berries.
"Ai, this looks fair!" said Elladan, "help yourself, brother!"
Elrohir reached up, and broke off a small piece of Lembas, and Elladan nibbled on the rope which was made out of sugar.
Suddenly, a melodious voice could be heard from inside the talan:
"Ai Elbereth, tell me what goof
Is nibbling on my talan's roof?"
The twins went on munching without taking further notice. Elrohir had another bite, Elladan had two, and they enjoyed their meal very much.
Suddenly the door opened, and a beautiful Elf lady clad in white and with long, silver blond hair cascading down her back looked down at them. Elladan and Elrohir stared at her with big eyes, but she only smiled, and clapped her hands.
"Oh, you poor, poor your Elves, Elbereth must have brought you here! Do come in, and stay with me. I am Lady Firinwe, please be my guests!"
She led them inside, and served them Lembas and cheese. Later she showed them to the guest room in her Talan, and Elladan and Elrohir lay down and dreamt of beautiful she-elves and Orcs, though not in the same context.
But ai! Little did they know that Lady Firinwe was a wicked witch, who had set out this talan as a trap for handsome young Elves, for she was already 6232 years old and still not bonded. When an Elf fell into her power, he could either chose to marry her or be fed to one of the big fat spiders that were out here in the woods. Unfortunately for her, so far every Elf had chosen the spiders over a marriage, so she grew ever more desperate with the years. Elladan and Elrohir were both VERY fair of face, and she rubbed her hands gleefully over the good catch she had made.
Early in the morning she tip-toed into the room where the twins were sleeping, and by Elbereth! Such broad shoulders and cute wee pointed ears (not to talk about the elegant, long fingers)!
So she muttered to herself: "My, my, it will be hard to make a choice here - ai, I might even keep them both!" Then she paralyzed Elladan with a spell and locked him in a cage. He screamed and used such words that his nana would have washed his mouth out with soap if she had overheard, but it didn't help him.
Then Lady Firinwe returned to Elrohir, shook him awake, and snarled: "Do you think you can sleep well into the day? Get water and cook a meal for your brother and my other prospective husband; he is too skinny, I prefer them chubby!"
Elrohir began to weep bitterly, but in the end, he had to obey the witch, and Elbereth knows what long-lasting psychological after-effects such treatment might have, but that's another thing altogether, back to the stable.
After Elladan realized that the cage wouldn't break, he sat down and looked around. He noticed there was another cage, where a miserable looking Elf was sitting.
"Say, my friend, what is this place? And why is Lady Firinwe keeping us here? And who are you?"
The other elf sighed.
"My name is Haldir, pleased to meet you, and Lady Firinwe is desperately looking for a husband. It is either marry her or be fed to the spiders, and if you ask me, the spiders are to be preferred."
Haldir looked very sad, then he said: "Just look at me - I’ve been here for one month now, and she has stuffed me like a goose! I used to be slim and slender, and now I almost look like a hobbit! Ai, what misery! And just because she has this obsession for cuddly elves! Just you wait and see - she will feed you as well, and in no time, you will resemble a Dwarf!"
Elladan shook his head - a fine fix they had gotten themselves into here!
Haldir had been right - the best food was cooked for poor Elladan, while Elrohir got nothing but Lembas, Lembas and even more Lembas. Every morning the witch, who had lousy eyesight but was too vain to wear reading crystals, went to the stable and cried:
"Elladan! Stretch out your finger so I can check if you are cuddly and ready to get married!"
Elladan, however, stretched out a little chicken bone to her, and Firinwë , who thought it was his finger, left disappointed, consulting her books for a new carbohydrate diet.
When two weeks had gone by, and Elladan still remained thin like a stick, she got tired and decided she did not want to wait any longer.
She entered the stable, towered in front of Elladan and said:
"Now, Elladan, you must make your choice: will you become my husband and reign with me over this realm, or do you want to be fed to the spiders?"
Elladan cried: "Spiders! I told you last week, I told you the week before, and I would also tell you next week: I choose the spiders!"
Ai, how Elrohir lamented when he heard this, and once again, tears did flow down his rosy cheeks.
"Ai Elbereth, do help us," he cried.
"Oh, stop the noise, will you!" the witch groaned.
Right this moment, when the situation looked pretty bleak for our heroes, two handsome Elves on white steeds came riding past the talan, noticed the commotion and entered.
"Ai! We are saved!" Haldir cried out, and began to jump up and down, "These are my brothers, Orophin and Rumil! They came to my rescue!"
Orophin looked at Rumil, and then Rumil looked at Orophin, scratched his head and shrugged.
"To be honest - we came here to dig for truffles, but as we are already here - my lady, would you please release our brother? We do not like to see him in a cage, and he is the only one who knows where the secret peep holes are to watch the elven ladies bath in the heated pool, so you will surely understand that we miss him greatly."
"No! No!" Firinwe cried, "I will not have this! I want to get married!"
She stomped on the ground with her delicate foot, her face flushed with anger.
"Married! Want! Want! Want! Now!"
"And here we go again," Elladan grumbled, and shook his head.
"And who are you, fair one?" Orophin asked, delighted at the sight of the handsome young Elf who he hadn't noticed before.
"My name is Elladan, I am the oldest son of Lord Elrond, and I would greatly appreciate being released!"
Orophin took a step towards the cage to fulfil the wish of the captive and to have a closer look at those stormy grey eyes, when Firinwe jumped between him and the cage, waving her fists in the air.
"They are mine! All of them! I will not let them go! My mother mindspeaks me every day to ask when I will get bonded, and she has done this for the last 5506 years, and I cannot take it anymore!"
She began to sob, and Rumil, who could not see a female suffer, gently put his arm around her shoulders, and she immediately threw herself into his arms, soaking his uniform with bitter tears.
"There, there, dear lady... surely one as fair as you should find a suitor easily?" he asked, and she looked up.
"No," she wailed, "nobody wants to live in Lothlorien, they all prefer to live in Rivendell where all the good taverns are. Nobody wants a country elf!"
With that, she began to cry again, and Rumil, feeling all heroic and protective, hugged her a little closer to his chest.
"Eh - excuse me, not that I want to interrupt this touching scene, dear brothers, but do you think it might be possible for one of you to release me and my friend?"
Orophin looked at Haldir, whom he really had almost forgotten, and he blushed.
"Of course, dear brother, please forgive me", he said, and stepped over to the cage, broke off the lock with his bare hands and helped his brother out of his prison.
"My," Elladan gasped, "but you are one strong Elf!"
Orophin, who was now attempting to open Elladan's cage as well, smiled under the admiring looks of the younger Elf, and he made a big show of Elladan's liberation. When the door snapped open and Elladan made to get up, Orophin held him back.
"No, please young lord - you are much too weak, let me carry you".
With that, he carefully picked Elladan up, and carried him outside to his horse on strong arms.
Meanwhile, Firinwe had stopped crying, and Rumil patted her back.
"Stop crying, my fair lady - I might know a solution for your problem."
"Do you?" she sniffled.
"Indeed."
He rummaged in the small pouch hanging on his belt, took out a small, red book, and began to turn the pages, then he looked at her again.
"Now, let me see - Monday is Galadriel's day... Tuesday I have archery lessons... Wednesday is beauty spa and facials... Thursday Galadriel again... Friday Tablero club... Saturday Galadriel... but yes, dear lady, on Sundays, I could be all yours!" he declared, giving her his most enchanting smile, and like 88% of the female and 12% of the male population in Lothlorien she immediately melted.
"Every Sunday?" she gasped, "really? From dawn to dusk?"
"But of course, fair lady," he purred, "with only one hour break for luncheon. For certainly," he said, breathing in her ear now, "you would not want me to lose my strength?"
"Oh no," she murmured, snuggling even closer, "I would not want that."
He gently nipped on her soft throat, and now it was she who purred.
"I know a very good carbohydrate diet, fair Elf," she said, and batted her lashes.
Haldir, who had watched the scene, rolled his eyes.
"Carbohydrate, indeed," he grumbled, dusted off his breeches and stomped outside, only to see his eldest brother in a passionate embrace with the freshly-rescued Elladan, kissing him soundly, while Elrohir picked daisies.
"Fairytales," Haldir muttered while he picked up the basket Elrohir had dropped earlier on, "fairytales are highly overrated."
With that, he went out into the woods to dig for truffles.
And if Namo hasn't called them, they all still live happily and in peace."
* * *
Glorfindel looked at Orophin.
"This was - interesting." he finally said, but as Estorel had indeed fallen asleep, he decided to question Orophin about traditional Lothlorien lore some other time.
Orophin got up carefully so as not to wake the Elfling, and gently put the child down on his bed, covering him with a soft blanket and putting the Hobbit-doll within reach.
"He is sleeping," he whispered, and Glorfindel got up, looked down at his sleeping son and smiled.
"Thank you," Fin whispered back, and led Orophin to the door of the nursery, "I am in your debt. And now I wish you a good night, and if you should find any truffles on the way, all the better."
Orophin, already out of the door, turned around, and gave Glorfindel a decidedly wicked grin.
"Ai, my lord - I shall not look for truffles."
"What will you do then?" Fin asked.
Orophin cocked an eyebrow and smiled smugly.
"Mushrooming, my lord."
And with that, he disappeared in the dark.
Fin shook his head, then he tip-toed back into the bedchamber, slipped under the sheets and snuggled up close to Erestor, who blinked and came to awareness.
"Fin..." he murmured, "'s up?"
"Nothing, my little toadstool", the warrior whispered, his hands roaming over his husband's warm skin, "I just felt the need to taste your truffles all of a sudden."
"Did you hit your head, Glorfindel?" Erestor asked, very puzzled, but arching into Fin's experienced touch all the same.
"Mmmm, not at all," Fin purred, and let his hands roam further down Erestor's body.
"Though I must correct myself, darling."
"About what?" Erestor gasped.
"About the truffles. This is more a case of mushrooming up."
Erestor gasped. "Fin, you better slow down your mushrooming."
"Why?" murmured Fin, nibbling on Erestor's ear, kissing the spot he knew would make his beloved squirm.
"Because truffles tend to spore very quickly if not handled with all necessary care!"
At this moment, the moon decided that he had learned enough about biology for one night, and quickly hid behind a cloud.
Darkness fell over Rivendell, and the only sounds to be heard were Erestor's gasps and Orophin's moans - for this time, the vase had not missed.