ACOTER: ANNUAL CONFERENCE OF THE ELVEN REALMS
Overall rating: blue/yellow (see rating system)
Category: slash (two male Elves in some kind of love) humour, romance
Pairings: Erestor/Glorfindel, Haldir/Rabbit impl., Celeborn/Galadriel and Aragorn/Arwen mentioned
Warnings: none
Beta: Miss Eveiya
Summary: Every year, Elrond, Celeborn, Galadriel and Thrandúil meet up for a conference in Rivendell. This year, Glorfindel's untiring and somewhat excentric efforts to win Erestor's love add to the general chaos - as does Elrond's wine cellar.
Author's notes: This is how it all began - how Glorfindel won Erestor's heart. This is pure humour, no angst, no drama, just warm fuzzies. Written from Erestor's point of view, this was the origin of Erestor's "Work Reports".
Day 3: Noli me tangere
Surprised Glorfindel in the library last night – he was right in the middle of demonstrating to one of Celeborn's dancers how exactly he had tackled and wrestled down the Balrog.
She was the Balrog.
Decided I needed to stay and sort some scrolls, so it got late.
I think he called me Eresterror when he left, but it is possible I got this wrong.
5am
Woke up thanks to loud shouting from direction of the garden. Grabbed my robe and stumbled to the window – it was Thranduil and his guards, doing morning exercises.
They were running around the old oak tree, the one close to Elrond's summer pavilion, which was bad enough this early in the morning, but they were singing Mirkwood classics like "My little Sylvan Maid".
For a moment I considered doing some archery practice on moving objects, but decided it was not worth a diplomatic incident.
Noticed some of Celeborn's dancers were lurking. They wolf-whistled every time Legolas passed below the balcony.
He passed often.
And he wore no shirt.
Show-off.
10am
Commotion in the summer pavilion.
Orophin let Arwen feel his biceps, then Estel let Orophin feel his fist. Orophin offered to place his bow where Arien never shines, and within seconds, they were at each other's throats.
Some insignificant broken bones aside, no harm was done. Need to discuss this with Elrond – somebody should enlighten Arwen on the complicated diplomatic relationship between the bees and the birds.
11 am
Was alarmed by Arwen's scream and grabbed for my sword. Either it was an Orc attack, or Bramble, who is being looked after by Arwen, had tried out some ancient Lórien martial art techniques on her, so I hurried outside.
It was neither. Somebody had placed a dead warg on her bed.
I really must talk to Orophin about the differences in courtship rites between Lórien and Imladris.
4 pm
Decided to go for a swim in the Bruinen. Arrived on the bank, threw off my robes and did an elegant swallow-dive into the river. Realized too late I was not alone. The dancer from last night was there, too, clad only in three strategically-placed mallorn leaves.
Which meant she still wore more than I did.
She offered to wash my back; I politely, but firmly refused. Then she said it was about time for me to overcome this unhealthy fear of bodily pleasures and enjoy life.
I asked her what she was talking about, she said no reason to be ashamed, Lord Glorfindel had told her all about my phobia.
That does it. I will have his head on a plate. With an apple in his mouth.
Sneaking closer, she started to talk about us "being grown-up Elves" and "seizing the day", and just when she was preparing to attack (losing one or two leaves in the process), I jumped out of the river and fled.
Unfortunately, I forgot my robes.
5.15 pm
Sat in the bushes freezing delicate bits off for over an hour before Thranduil passed by on his way to the stables. To add to my humiliation Glorfindel had to turn up, too.
Thranduil growled something about us being decadent, and Glorfindel slapped his back, happily crowing: "My king, look what lovely fruits our bushes bear – I doubt you will find anything like this back in Mirkwood! These, dear Thranduil, are the most famous Rivendell blackberries!"
I could have strangled him there and then.
But at least he gave me his cloak.
7 pm
Found maiden from the river sitting in my bathtub. She asked me to take a bite. I said I was on a sea fruit diet - I see fruit, but I don't eat it.
9 pm
One of the guards called with a note from Celeborn. He wants me to send a food hamper, some cushions, wine and dancers into the woods where they are camping. Gave the guard "Asceticism is a virtue", vol. II, from my personal library instead, and sent him off.
9.15 pm
Looked out of the window. Saw Rúmil speeding off into the woods. There were a picnic basket, two silk cushions and a maiden fastened to his saddle.
Celeborn just never plays fair.
11 pm
Went to my rooms for an early night.
Found a dead warg plus a basket of blackberries on my bed.
It must be the heat.
Elrond and Celeborn are still on their survival trip in the woods. While I write this, they are facing poisonous spiders, bloodthirsty mosquitos, murderous Orcs and ferocious wildebeests.
They are all alone.
Oh how I envy them.
Erestor
to be continued: will Elrond and Celeborn win their bet? Will Arwen leave Estel for Orophin? Will Rúmil get lost in the woods? Who is trying to charm Erestor with dead wargs? And does Galadriel NOW know about the dancers? Stay tuned ...
Author's note: "Noli me tangere = Do not touch me"