30 DAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER
Genre: LOTR, slash, het
Rating: yellow (PG-13)
Pairings: Erestor/Glorfindel, Ecthelion/OFC, Orophin/Elladan, OMC/OFC and others.
Warnings: AU - and how! Mary-Sue! Nonsense! This is a parody, don't complain later that you haven't been warned.
Summary: Ecthelion returns from the Halls of Waiting, and thanks to Gandalf's curiosity, the celebrations take a most unexpected turn.
CHAPTER 3/?
The warrior loses his patience.
"The air is amazing," Avanna said to Kelly, and breathed deeply. "Looks like they don't have a smog problem here."
"What is smog?" Eldanar asked. "Is it a dragon?"
Avanna laughed. "There are no dragons, sweetie. Smog is very dirty air. Happens when too many idiots drive in too many cars."
"What is cars?" Eldanar asked, slightly confused. He liked the two young ladies who were so friendly with him, but they used words he had never heard of. And how could they say there were no dragons? Gandalf had told him the story of Bilbo Baggins and the dragon, and if Gandalf said there were dragons, then there were dragons! Those ladies must have come from a country far away. Oh, there was so much he would have to discuss with his adas in the evening!
Kelly neither answered Eldanar, nor commented on Avanna's remark. There was a frown on her face, and Avanna could tell that something disturbed her.
"Penny for your thoughts," Avanna said, and Kelly started.
"Oh, sorry, I wasn’t listening. Say, didn't what junior here said ring some bells with you?"
Now it was Avanna's turn to frown.
"No, why? Anything wrong?"
Kelly shrugged and tried to keep up with Eldanar, who, for a little boy, was walking rather swiftly.
"I don't know if anything's wrong. I just thought that… you know, something he said sounded familiar to me, but I can't put a finger on it. I feel like I heard something important and missed it, you know?"
"Yeah, I know that feeling," Avanna said. Then, addressing Eldanar, she added: "Is your grampa's house far away?"
"Oh no," Eldanar said, shaking his head enthusiastically. "We only have to cross the forest and then the bridge, and then there it is."
"Bloody trees," Melissa, one of MTV's most prominent VJs muttered. "Stop filming, Justin. Save it for the good stuff."
The cameraman nodded and did as he was told.
"If there is any good stuff at all," the Sun reporter grumbled. "With our luck, all we gonna find here is a colony of forgotten hippies, smoking pot and singing kumbaya around the camp fire."
"I strongly disapprove of drug abuse!" the ambassador protested. But it was only a half-hearted attempt; for he was too busy admiring the giant, age-old trees. "Looks a bit like back home in Minnesota," he said.
"Where is Minnesota?" Eldanar asked. "In Rohan?"
The ambassador looked at the little boy. He was just about to start a lecture on the population growth, export numbers and moral values of Minnesota when he heard the cry of an owl. The ambassador stopped dead in his tracks.
"Stop, everybody, right now!" he ordered, and the small trek came to a halt.
Eldanar turned around.
"We are almost there, we do not need to have a break," he said. "If you are tired, you can sit down on my favouritest chair later if you want."
The ambassador did not react to this generous offer, and Eldanar pouted.
"What's wrong?" Avanna asked, looking a little worried.
"The cry of an owl in daytime. That's not possible, it might be a code," the ambassador replied.
Eldanar giggled.
“´T´-is no owl. 'Tis my ada Orophin." He wrapped one of his braids around his finger. "Or Glorfindel."
"Oh my god," Kelly gasped.
The small group stared at the figures which seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. Never in their lives had they seen creatures like those. Taller than any men they had ever seen, their long hair firmly held back in braids. And they were beautiful, oh so beautiful! Clad in browns and greens, blending in with the nature around them. It was like watching a fatah morgana – one moment they stood there in full sight, the next they were gone, only to appear again a second later.
Some were armed with bows, but had their weapons lowered. There could be no doubt, though, that they would use them if the need should occur. The tallest of them, wearing a long, flowing robe of black velvet and dark green, stepped forward. It was easy to tell that he was of high rank.
The ambassador automatically straightened up to his full height. He did not like the scrutinizing look to which he was being subjected. Then he noticed something very peculiar.
"Look at his ears," he whispered to the Sun reporter.
"Now that's…" the woman began, but broke off, staring open-mouthed at this strange creature.
Erestor bowed his head in greeting, and the ambassador remembered his duties.
"We come in peace!" he cried.
"I hope so," Erestor replied dryly. "Welcome to the realm of Imladris, my Lord Elrond is awaiting you."
He arched an eyebrow at the ambassador.
"You, my friend, are kindly asked to leave your weapon here. We know that you carry a weapon of great power, and we cannot allow this in our realm."
The ambassador hesitated a moment, but the look in Erestor's eyes left no doubt that this had been a polite but firm order, rather than a request. He pulled the gun from its sheath under his jacket, and put it carefully on the ground. Immediately, the earth shifted, and before the man could react, the gun had disappeared.
"Scary," Melissa whispered.
"Cool," Justin said. And, just to be on the safe side, he lifted his hand and greeted Erestor with the Vulcan salute.
"Fascinating," Erestor stated.
* * *
Led by Erestor and carefully watched by the guards, the small group headed for the Last Homely House. Avanna could tell that the little wheels in Kelly's head were working like crazy, and when her friend finally shared her theory, Avanna groaned.
"You are mad," Avanna stated. "Mad, crazy, insane, one screw short of a toolbox. That's too weird for words!"
"No, I'm not, and no, it isn't!" Kelly hissed. "I should have realised earlier! This place, these people – they are Elves, trust me! Just look at the ears!"
"Yes sure, and any moment, a unicorn will cross our path," Avanna joked, and rolled her eyes.
"If they are Elves, why do they speak English? And where are the wings?" the ambassador asked.
"I have no idea who they are, but they look damned hot," Melissa said, and winked at one of the guards. The Elf immediately blushed and looked away.
"Good to know some things work everywhere," she grinned.
"This is going to be the story of my life," the Sun reporter said, fumbling for her voice recorder. Her hands trembled with excitement. "I can already see the title: 'We walked with Vulcans!'"
"Elves," Kelly corrected.
"Vulcans, I said," the reporter snapped back.
"My ladies, I would be most grateful if you could delay your argument until you have reached your chambers," Erestor said, clearly irritated. "We are indeed Elves. The creatures with the wings that you mentioned are very small and called Pixies. In the interest of future friendship between our people, I highly recommend that you do not address anybody here as a Pixie. Especially not Lord Elrond."
"Grand-ada Elrond does not like being called a Pixie," Eldanar explained. "Better not doing it. He also does not like being called a pumpkin. I think he does not like being called anything starting with a 'P'."
By now they had crossed the bridge, and the visitors gasped at the sight of the Bruinen, the waterfall and Imladris in all its beauty.
"Wow," Kelly said. "That's like something out of a movie."
Justin was turning left and right, not being able to decide what to film first. The Sun photographer took picture after picture, his tongue firmly pressed in the corner of his mouth. Those houses looked like something straight out of a Disney movie! But where were the people? Not a single soul in sight since they had arrived, with exception of this Erestor guy and the guards.
"This would make a great holiday resort," the ambassador said, rubbing his chin. "River rafting, hiking and so on. My brother is the CEO of hotel chain, and..."
"We have arrived," Erestor announced, and the group came to a halt in a large courtyard. They looked in awe at the castle in front of them. Or was it a very large house? It was difficult to say, with all the arches, columns and windows. However, the local architecture was forgotten immediately upon the sight of the five Elves awaiting them in front of the door. They all felt suddenly very small and young in the presence of those mythical beings.
"Be welcome to Imladris, my friends," the most regal looking of the five said, and bowed his head.
"This must be the head honcho around here," Melissa whispered.
"Shut up," Justin growled.
Elrond gave Melissa a cold look.
"I am Lord Elrond, the master of this place, and these are Elladan and Elrohir, my sons."
He pointed to two Elves who looked almost identical.
"Nice. I’ll take them both," Melissa whispered, and elbowed Justin in the side. He only groaned.
"Twins," Kelly stated, eyeing the brothers with interest, but Avanna did not react. Kelly wanted to add something, but Lord Elrond continued the introduction. Next in line was a very haughty looking Elf with dark brown hair. He wore robes of silk and velvet, far brighter and more elegant than his lord.
"One of my trusted adivsors, Master Feronil. You have already met my chief advisor, Master Erestor."
"Master Feronil? More like Master Vain," Kelly grinned. But again her friend did not reply. She just stared at the tall, broad-shouldered Elf with the long black hair and the sad blue eyes who stood next to Lord Elrond.
"Planet to spaceship," Kelly said, and snapped her fingers in front of Kelly's eyes. The woman started and dropped her bag, sending lipstick, note book, pens and a packet of condoms flying. Kelly stared down at the mess.
"Wow. Expired 2003," she commented, and Avanna quickly knelt down to gather her things, averting her eyes. The Elf she had been looking at sprung forward, kneeling down next to her and helping her to collect up all the knick-knacks that women tend to drag around in their bags. Avanna felt the heat in her face. How embarrassing!
"Thank you," she murmured.
"It was my pleasure, my lady," was the calm reply. Upon hearing his voice, Avanna looked up. How tall he was! She must look like a child next to him! And those eyes, young and yet so old. 'He's seen bad things,' Avanna thought. His hand brushed hers when he returned a packet of chewing gum to her, and it was as if she had received an electric shock.
"Lord Ecthelion, thank you for helping our guest," Elrond said. He had to hide a smile behind his hand, pretending to clear his throat upon watching the little scene. "He and Lord Glorfindel are responsible for Imladris' security. Unfortunately," he added, the disapproving tone obvious in his voice, "Lord Glorfindel has been tied up with other business and could not be here."
One of the twins chuckled, and Kelly wondered what kind of business that might have been.
"May I kindly ask you to introduce yourselves before you are led to your chambers? You might wish to freshen up before dinner, where we can discuss and explain everything."
Avanna had not taken her eyes from Ecthelion, who, in return, seemed to find Avanna's bag of greatest interest.
"I'm Avanna," she finally stammered.
"I am Ecthelion," he replied.
"Oh for crying out loud," Kelly groaned.
* * *
They had not been told to stay in their chambers until dinner, but it was obvious that they were not invited to wander around the house. Not that this would have stopped Melissa. Justin was unsure on whether to follow her or not.
"This could be dangerous," he said.
"I bet that cow from the Sun is already snooping around the place. That's going to be the story of our lives, and I won't leave it to her!" Melissa declared. "That aside, they've all been very friendly so far. They're obviously completely gaga, but harmless. Come on, don't be chicken."
Justin rolled his eyes, but obediently took his camera and followed Melissa, who had already slipped out of the door. He saw her turning around the corner of the corridor, then an ear-piercing scream made him jump and drop the camera.
"I'm coming! Hold on!" he screamed, and ran down the corridor.
He had expected to find Melissa being attacked by some hideous monster, but the girl was jumping up and down, one hand pressed on her mouth and emitting high-pierced, bird-like noises. She pointed at the Elf standing opposite her, who looked slightly confused and tried to calm the excited toddler sitting on his arm.
Melissa finally found her voice again, and grabbed Justin, digging her nails deep into his upper arm.
"Film, you idiot! Film! This will be the show of the century! Can't you see who this is? Oh my god, I can't believe it! I finally meet him personally!"
Estorel decided that he had whined and wiggled enough, and stuffed the end of Glorfindel's braid in his mouth, chewing on it.
The warrior cleared his throat. "My lady, I am honoured to hear that you know me, but I cannot recall any occasion where we would have been introduced…?"
Melissa squealed again, then fainted. Justin stepped aside, just quick enough to escape his falling colleague.
"Could anybody explain this to me, please? Who are these people, and why is this woman behaving in such an obnoxious way?" Glorfindel demanded, sounding slightly desperate.
Justin pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I'll give it a try," he said.
* * *
"Those people are highly annoying," Erestor said, pacing in front of the large window in the library.
"You are upset, beloved," Glorfindel stated, and sat down in one of the comfortable chairs. "Has anybody shown lack of respect in approaching you? Please tell me if this is the case, I shall have them removed by my guards."
"They are everywhere," Erestor continued his rant without replying to Glorfindel's question. "I found their scribe reading 'Mirkwood Love Secrets' only an hour ago, and I must say that I found the looks she gave me more than obnoxious!"
He briskly stopped in his pace and stared at Glorfindel.
"And the girl with the microphone and the ring in her nose - the things she asked me! Do you happen to know by any chance what a 'Goth Elf' is?" he asked.
"No," Glorfindel said, and scratched his head. "But can you tell me who David Beckham is?"
TBC